I Am the Smartest Man On Earth (Without Performance Enhancers)

Last night was an historic night for baseball and its many fans. One of the most illustrious records in the history of our National Pastime, the all-time home run record, was broken when San Francisco Giant Barry Bonds blasted his 756th home run, passing Henry "Hank" Aaron's record set over thirty years ago. Congrats, Barry.

Now, I know very little about sports in general, except for football, so I am far from an expert on baseball. However, our media has periodically been taking breaks from talking about Anna Nicole Smith, Paris Hilton, and Lindsay Lohan to discuss the legitimacy of Bonds' record, amid long-standing accusations of steroid use as well as the use of other performance-enhancing drugs. This morning, on NBC's Today Show, Bob Costas squared off against a NY Times sportswriter, with Costas blasting Bonds for drug use, claiming , in what I think is one of the stronger arguments in the anti-Bonds division, that you can actually graph out Bonds' batting performance to a point where it's ridiculously obvious where his use of steroids began. The NYT dude countered that even if Bonds used steroids, so too did almost every pitcher, catcher, and other MLB player in that same time frame, alluding to, as it were (quite ironically), a rebalanced playing field.

I simply cannot let something like this pass without throwing in my two cents, because, well, I'm arrogant and I value my opinion that much. But just listen, and I think you'll agree with me.

The two obvious sides to this are bigger than Bonds' record (for it will one day be broken). The issue is whether or not players should be allowed to use steroids and other performance-enhancers. From the start, steroids of this use are illegal, so the obvious answer is no. Moreover, MLB commissioners and hardcore fans will argue that baseball, like any sporting competition, must adhere to the sanctity of the skill of players. This, I believe, is bullshit.

Steroids are illegal, so that obviously staggers the pro-use side. But more importanty, I ask you to actually consider the word "sport" that we use to label the MLB, NFL, NBA, etc. A "sport" is defined as a "recreation, diversion, or pleasant pastime." What makes the MLB (and other pro sporting leagues, for that matter) function? It is not players, or coaches, or umpires/referees, it is FANS. Without fans, there would be no professional sports. There would be empty stadiums, with two sets of athletes out there simply to prove who is better. When you slap a hundred-dollar price on a ticket, you move out of the definiton of "sport" and into the definition of "entertainment", for that is what professional sports are, entertainment.

With arguments over salary caps, complete jackoffs like Alex Rodriguez demnding salaries to rival Fortune 500ers (which is a fucking shame when you consider our nation's teachers generally rope in less than 50k a year), and merchandisers charging eighty dollars for a hoodie, your organization automatically must begin developing rules and regulations to guide athletes.

But, Mr. Sports Fan, you say these regulations are already in place. Really...where? What the fuck has the MLB done to stem the use of steroids? Don't cite the congressional hearings and such, because that is bullshit, if they had actually accomplished something, we wouldn't be listening to this Bonds debate; we'd have gotten a simple "Yes, when he reaches it, it counts" or "No, the fucker jacked himself up enough to bat an elephant three hundred and ninety feet, of course it doesn't count." Instead, we have to listen to every sports expert argue for or against Bonds' achievement. Jose Canseco, for fuck's sake, has even done more than the MLB to make fans aware of steroid use. And what will you say to that? The same argument every baseball fan has made? "Oh, he only did it for the money." Yeah, because A-Rod's out there for the love of the fucking game, right?

I think, honestly, that everything that's happened in the last seven or eight years in professional sports needs to be re-evaluated. Seriously, if I'm paying ten bucks for a hot dog, then the suits at MLB central can get their overpriced-suit-wearing, month-long-Hamptons-vacationing asses into a fucking boardroom and sort this shit out, instead of leaving it to your local sportcaster to decide. It's sickening. Kids play sports because they love them. Adults become pro athletes as a job, and as such, they need to, like all workers, have a set of rules they MUST follow, not a set of "suggestions" that they can adhere to if they feel like it. And it's not their fault. It's the fault of every fucking official of every pro sports organization for not enforcing their rules rigorously enough. Something needs to be done, because if one more sports commentator takes up any more of Matt Lauer's time, I won't know what's going on with Britney Spears.

This is the Word of Dan. Ah, me.